‘You'll look young even when you're old.’ She says it through a ring of smoke at the french restaurant in omaha, tucked on the cobblestone street, a bottle of wine and a box of sobranie cigarettes between us. She smoked them when she lived in london. Now it's become our secret whenever we get together, to sneak a pack in our purse and sit on the patio of fancy restaurants where we can try on all the former versions of ourselves, sink into our youth, like the server who brings us a plate of cheese. I once moved to new york to be a writer, he tells us, a light flickering behind his eyes. We’re interrupted when my phone rings and my sister tells me she’s pregnant, her voice full of wonder from where she sits on the west coast. My first niece will come in the spring. I cry then, warm ashes on my plate, feeling as if my life will last forever.
I took a big deep breath at the end of reading this and a lot of chills along the way. You’re a beautiful writer and you captured this winter feeling so well.
I sooooooo get this. I turn 50 in March and wonder how that's possible when some days it feels like I graduated from high school last year and others like I've lived a hundred years. I've talked with friends about how to best celebrate this milestone year. They have the obvious answers ... vacation, party, new car, etc. That's not the feeling I'm going for. I want this year to change me. As if I'm in the stage between caterpillar and butterfly. The goo that transforms in the chrysalis without knowing what it will become. That's the goal for the year. To transform, but not know what I'm becoming. This will be my goo year and I'm going to embrace it; cleaning out the things that don't enrich my life, fortifying the relationships that matter to me, and applying for those dream jobs. This year I will be the goo and I can't wait to see what I transform into.
Loved this! And had to comment if only to say I too have worked through similar feelings of guilt, and the walking dead is very excellent (I'm on season 4). X
I really like your writing. Beautiful. Tight, polished, voice-y.
Dug this: “There are regrets, of course. The book I didn't write—or rather didn't finish. Too consumed with fear, with false beliefs that the clock would stop if I begged it. The thoughts spiral; it's a train I hate to get on, yet still I ride.”
You land on many universal truths, especially around being a writer. And I relate big time to reading and being guilty when occasionally watching TV. My girlfriend keeps ‘making me’ watch Black Mirror.
Wow. My favorite piece yet.
I took a big deep breath at the end of reading this and a lot of chills along the way. You’re a beautiful writer and you captured this winter feeling so well.
“Maturity is a badge for women, until it isn't.” .... gosh have I been feeling this of late.
Loved all of this. That first bit was especially evocative to me. Thank you.
I sooooooo get this. I turn 50 in March and wonder how that's possible when some days it feels like I graduated from high school last year and others like I've lived a hundred years. I've talked with friends about how to best celebrate this milestone year. They have the obvious answers ... vacation, party, new car, etc. That's not the feeling I'm going for. I want this year to change me. As if I'm in the stage between caterpillar and butterfly. The goo that transforms in the chrysalis without knowing what it will become. That's the goal for the year. To transform, but not know what I'm becoming. This will be my goo year and I'm going to embrace it; cleaning out the things that don't enrich my life, fortifying the relationships that matter to me, and applying for those dream jobs. This year I will be the goo and I can't wait to see what I transform into.
Loved this! And had to comment if only to say I too have worked through similar feelings of guilt, and the walking dead is very excellent (I'm on season 4). X
I really like your writing. Beautiful. Tight, polished, voice-y.
Dug this: “There are regrets, of course. The book I didn't write—or rather didn't finish. Too consumed with fear, with false beliefs that the clock would stop if I begged it. The thoughts spiral; it's a train I hate to get on, yet still I ride.”
You land on many universal truths, especially around being a writer. And I relate big time to reading and being guilty when occasionally watching TV. My girlfriend keeps ‘making me’ watch Black Mirror.
Michael Mohr
‘Sincere American Writing’
https://michaelmohr.substack.com/